When will it end?!
Well yesterday I thought I was finally feeling a bit better, and that finally my MTX and Humira combo was working. I was feeling pretty good, but last night my elbows kept stiffening up on my, causing me to not sleep so well. I woke up about half hour ago, and my fingers, elbows, knees, neck and jaw are all bad again. I think it's safe to say that after being on Humira for 6 years, and MTX for 6 months (with slow increase of dosages from 10-20mg), it's not working. I think I'll finally cave and start the prednisone. When I see my rheumy on the 23rd, we'll discuss new treatment. It's just frustrating that after almost 23 years, most of my life, I can't find any relief. I'm starting to feel real down on myself, between not being able to work, having diseases that are frustratingly hard to control, and being diagnosed with something new every year it seems. I feel like my body is falling apart. Just in the last month I'm being diagnosed with 2 new problems. I have so many I've lost count....I'm up to 8 or 9? Ugh. When will it end?!
I just feel like the increase of my problems seems to be on the rise. It started with my JRA and Uveitis when I was 3, then glaucoma and ptosis a few years later, then dysmenhorrea & fibromyalgia when I was 12, then asthma when I was 13, then I had a little bit of a break and 2 years ago I was diagnosed with an IgA-deficiency, last week Osteopenia and now something is wrong with my digestive system. I'm just sick of it, plain and simple, I'm sick of being sick!
I'm frustrated and stressed, which I know is not good for me at all and will only make things worse, but it's hard not to feel this way. I'm usually a really strong person and can handle anything that comes my way, but the past two years, more has happened to me than I can even being to handle. Starting in October 2009 when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, in November I had to stop working because I was so sick (had pneumonia for 5 months & swine flu), then in Jan I was diagnosed with my IgA-deficiency and my dad went to rehab for his alcoholism for 2 weeks. July my mom went into surgery for her cancer, and a week later my dad ended up in the ICU in the hospital. August my dad passed away, which to this day I still can't comprehend that he's gone, I can't. September my moms cancer came back and had to have radiation (she is cancer free now, yay!). Never mind all my health problems on top of all this.... it just seems never ending lately.
I just want a break, something good to happen for once, for me to feel even just okay for one day. Is that too much to ask?! I'm starting to just feel so down, sad, and beaten. I've worked so hard my entire life to NOT feel this way, to not be beaten by something I have no control over....but at this point I'm not sure what I was fighting for.